Violently Sexualized Bakery Goods: Muffins Get HOT!

So you think you know muffins? Well sir, I'm here to tell you that you don't know JACK about muffins. Muffins have a secret life -- and those secrets are not pretty, if we're to believe the Japanese character generating franchise San-X, producer of a series of dark, sexual parables cleverly posing as children's note pads and thank-you cards sporting beloved and nonthreatening anthropormorphic bakery items.

It All Seemed so Innocent...

But of course, it always does. That's how they get you... that's how life gets you. One day you're a kid, without a care in the world --

you spend your days skipping rope and playing tag with friends of the opposite sex (you can tell they're the opposite sex because their heads are a different shape). The world is a happy place, and all is well.

...or is it?

One day, you're sitting around with your many unleavened friends doing nothing special. You happen to notice one of the "grown-up" muffins with an odd twinkle in its eye, weilding a pair of tongs...

You think nothing of it, however. It's a beautiful day, you're having fun with your friends, and you don't really even pay attention as the snapping tongs move closer to your person...

But all of a sudden, your world changes FOREVER!

You see your friends cruelly manhandled by the tongs and taken to the oven! O, the horror! You try to run, but you realize that the vestigial legs you once possessed have been absorbed by your body and you're now a helpless ball of dough! You are totally at the mercy of the older, baked muffin you thought would always care for you. How could this be happening?

Oh God, it's HOT! What's happening to you? You feel your body changing, growing... strange sensations race over your skin as you fast-track down the road to... what?

And almost as soon as it began, it's over. You and your friends emerge from the oven to find yourselves bigger, darker, harder. It's horrifying! What have you become? You lie very still for several minutes trying to understand what's going on... several of your friends who weren't chosen this time for the oven see you in this new state and scream in terror!

You try to sit up to explain to them that you're OK, but you become violently ill with the motion...

After a while, the nausea passes and you're able to calmly consider your new situation. You retreat deep into your own thoughts, trying to sort-out who you are and where you're going...

This is naturally a very solitary time for you -- you're confused by both your new body and all that's changing around you. Soon, however, you realize that it feels better to be with others than to be alone, even if you can never go back to the carefree days of old.

But then out of nowhere, something hits you! Like a ton of bricks! Your opposite-sexed friend from before "the change" walks by, and it sends an electrical bolt shooting through your entire being. You've never felt anything like it before! It's impossible to resist. You look over to the adults and they smile their encouragement. You have no choice but to pursue your feelings! You seek out the object of your desire and (clumsily at first, but quickly gaining prowess) engage in a mad frottage! Ahhh... the release. Sweet victory!

Unfortunately, the bliss is over all too soon and you're left feeling even emptier than before. You realize that the feeling is hollow and meaningless without something else, but you have no idea what that "something else" actually is. Once again, you're thrown into confusion and despair...you seek-out the company of others like you, but none of them appears to be the single entity that can answer your ongoing question, "Why am I here?"

You decide that the only way out of the void is to reproduce -- to create another life and bring it kicking and screaming into the cruel, ugly world -- for the sole purpose of alleviating your own feelings of despair and lonliness.

The best you can do is pretend that you feel some sense of solidarity with your fellow muffins. You realize it's all artificial and manufactured for the purposes of distracting you from the singularity that is existence, but you don't care. You've seen too much, you've been too used by life... you're more than willing to close your eyes to the horror and pretend that everything is OK -- that it's all going to be completely OK.

-END